Why it shouldn't matter to others how you feed your baby

I spent all of my pregnancy fending off questions about how I was planning to feed my baby. My answer was always the same: "I'd like to breastfeed, if I can." I'd been producing milk since 16 weeks and I dutifully bought nursing bras and pumps. I also asked my mother-in-law if she would buy us a sterilising unit, just in case. I read Zoe Williams' columns on parenting and breastfeeding. I would be OK, whatever the outcome, I thought.

Cue D being born; a 45 hour labour where my waters had broken 26 hours before my actual contractions started. This meant that my baby ended up with an infection AND jaundice. There I was, a first-time mum with an ill baby.. who couldn't seem to feed her son. Add to this I was being watched like a hawk by the nurses as I was a major postnatal depression risk and you had a very stressed out mother.

I tried to feed D. I used a syringe to collect what I could. I tried to latch him on and he just didn't have the werewithal to do so. We were helped by nurses and lactation consultants (most were very kind, a couple were.. brusque.) Still, nothing. I cried, and at night, behind their curtains, I heard the other two mums in my room crying too, frustrated at 2am in the morning with screaming, hungry newborns. Both of those mums went on to breastfeed successfully.

I, on the other hand, continued to struggle. I was producing about 0.8ml of colostrum, which I was giving to D when I had it. I was keeping obsessive lists of how much and when D was having so that I could show the nurses and the doctors. And then, in the early hours of his second day, a nurse finally persuaded me to let them give him a formula 'top-up'. He took 45ml of formula and was instantly soothed. I cried, because I hadn't been able to give him that. Still, I persisted. I tried expressing. My lists continued.

In the end, I became exhausted and agitated. I spoke to the nursery nurses. I spoke to my husband. I saw later on in my notes that the nurses had written everything I had said- and I had sounded utterly desperate. I had a sick baby who needed to eat. In the end, I decided that I would put him on formula, until I was able to express milk. He guzzled the milk down. I was torn; happy that he was eating and that the fluids would help him recover, but gutted that I hadn't been able to help him. My lists became more detailed, showing how much expressed milk (usually less than 5ml a time- I admit that, in the end, I just couldn't face it anymore and gave up) and how much formula he had in a feed.

After three days of being on formula, we were allowed home (we had been in hospital for five days.) D was finally well enough and the nurses had been brilliant once the decision had been made to put him onto bottles. It took me weeks to reconcile myself to this fact, though.

Now that D is ten weeks old, I can see the benefits. He is a very big, healthy and happy baby, apart from the  odd bout of colic. His dad and I split the feeds. When I've needed to go to the doctors (which has been a lot!), I've been able to leave D with his dad or my aunt and know he's OK. Do I wish that I could breastfeed? Yes- even knowing all the rubbish side effects that can happen. But I'm just glad that I have a baby who is content. I know that, ultimately, I made the right decision and that I don't need to justify it. But by writing about it, maybe someone else in the same boat as I was can see that it's OK to seek alternatives if it's not working. Babies want happy mums.

This is why I think it's rubbish that the media pits breastfeeding and formula feeding mothers against each other. We shouldn't be at war with each other because of our choices- we all do the best we can in the circumstances and we never really know what someone has gone through to get to their decision. I've seen a lot of 'formula' bashing on newspaper comment sections, Twitter and forums. For my sanity and blood-pressure, I try and avoid those. I'm not going to go into the whole 'breastfeeding is better because...' debate. Of course it's better, if you can, to breastfeed. But it's not always possible. I was bottlefed and I've been fine. I have no reason to doubt that my son will be, too.

This is D, by the way- who looks a lot better than he did in those first few days in hospital: