My breastfeeding experience – the first 6 weeks

In hospital Athena latched on (albeit painfully!) right away, and started getting the colostrum that about 4 different Midwives called 'liquid gold' (as if trying to persuade me it was a good thing, I'd already made it clear I wanted to breast feed!) and throughout the first night she either slept on my chest or fed from it! At this stage each time she latched on was pretty painful, and I distinctly remember looking away from her when I winced in case she could sense I was in pain (as if she could even focus her eyes, but I think I was delirious from lack of sleep!)

The next morning she wouldn't feed from the right boob, until Sam remembered the 'rugby ball' hold and we tried that (kind of under the arm, so she comes at the nipple from another direction) and it worked a treat! Once we came home the first midwife who visited showed us 'planting' which is basically getting her in position, nipple lined up with nose and then waiting for her to open up wide and literally shoving her onto the nipple swiftly! I was shocked at the speed at which she did it with but Athena started sucking away with hardly any pain! She also said to make sure that the babies belly is facing yours, not upwards, as it will help them swallow more easily. The aim is for your nipple to be pointing towards the roof of their mouth...

Once my milk came through properly on day four, the previously slightly cracked nipples started to heal and harden up and since then I've not had to use the nipple cream every day. Other positions we've used are lying down, for in bed night time feeds, her lying on my chest (i let her root around and find the nipple herself, and this 'tummy time' helps her strengthen her neck muscles. When you put her on Sam's chest she will work her way all the way up to his chin, which is impressive but very natural as its a babies instinct to seek food!

For the first two weeks I was looking for her feeding to fall into a pattern or routine, but then quickly realised that she wants food when she wants it, no routine to be had at all!! Once I embraced that, and stopped stressing inputting feed times into an app on my phone things got a lot easier! The other thing that makes it easier is having the full support of Sam, he'll get me a glass of water or cuppa if I've run out (or finished one and she's still feeding!) and if we're up having a feed in the night when he gets home from work he'll sit and massage my neck and shoulders for me, as well as telling me I'm amazing every so often, and doing a whole load of housework and cleaning!

After 3 weeks I tried expressing (using a manual pump) during Athena's longer afternoon nap, and to my surprise it wasn't that tricky, though the first 2 or 3 pumps are a bit painful each time! I got about 3oz the first time, then the next morning woke up with engorged boobs as she’d slept 6 hours which meant I filled right up, so I fed her from one and got 5oz from the other! I’m now pumping during her morning nap if I'm at home and at any other time later in the day if I'm not, especially if my boobs start leaking! The main reason for starting to express was so that Sam could share feeding, and to get her used to a bottle so that I can be away from her for more than 3 hours max at a time! We plan to get her used to taking a bottle from anyone, so babysitting will be easier for people!

I’ve now fed her at the beach, on a bench outside the shopping centre, on a train and in a few restaurants and pubs. I just always make sure that I've got a muslin or scarf to cover things up, but so far I’ve not had anyone mention it or even look interested, yet alone offended. The worst thing is finding easy boob-access dresses, as the top-pulling-up method only works if I wear a skirt, and as I only have one that fits is a rare occurrence, and I don't wear trousers so rarely wear tops!

During the night she normally wakes up around 6am, so we feed in bed for this one with us both laying on our sides facing each other (this one works for lazy TV watching on the sofa too!) and sometimes I'll sit her upright on my lap facing me and supporting her with one arm, which works well when you need to use the other arm for something! The baby carrier I have doesn't allow access to le boob, so I've not tried feeding from a sling whilst out and about yet but perhaps in the future!

2 Weeks post-partum

Our first cuddle & our first night at home

So Athena has been with us for just over two weeks now, and I can't put her down! We've gone through our first growth spurt (my poor boobs!) but have only had one real night of broken sleep so far, which was also down to the growth spurt on day 14, but since then we've gone back to one or no feeds between 1am (bedtime) and 8am, hurrah! I'll do a fuller post on our 'routine' (so to speak) soon.

Breast feeding so far hasn't been half as hard as I thought it could be, however things change so it still could get difficult in the future! I'm under no illusions there! We had a couple of day of cracked nipples and pained faces (me not her!) but then we got used to it and can pretty much do it in our sleep! (Literally!) again, I'll do another post on this in a few weeks! The biggest problem is what to wear out in public that enables me to whip a tit out to feed her! At home we're mostly topless, much to the delight/horror of the people who sit outside the pub opposite and the top deck passengers of any passing bus!

In terms of my post Partum body, the stretch marks that arrived a week and a half before she did haven't gone, which is annoying (annoying I got them in the first place after getting away with none for so long!) but to be frank I don't wander round in belly revealing clothes so if they don't go it's not too big a deal! I have an amusing X shaped one right where my belly button piercing was! I still have a belly, but it has gone down a lot since the first week, and I've not bothered to weigh myself since I had her so no idea how much I've lost, but I think the swollen legs/feet and arms probably equated to a fair bit!

 

a week old / first bath / first experience of grass (ish)

I'm able to go out and about with no problems after my c section, we first went for a walk on day 4 (I was let out of hospital on day 1) and we've tried to go out at least every other day, with the only issue being a bit of blood loss on days when I've overdone it a bit! My scar I thought was healing well but this morning I seem to have popped a stitch or something, although its hurting a lot less now that it was so perhaps something was just rubbing on it in bed, making it a bit gunky (sorry!) if it persists I'll go to the doctor to have it looked at as I don't want it to get infected! It's hard to let air get to it when you have to wear big pants so
they don't rub it!

That's about it for now, I'm working on a 'birth story' post too, but obviously Athena is my top priority so my laptop isn't on as much as it was! When I learn  to put her down for all naps and not just her long morning one it'll be on a bit more and I'll get back into a blogging routine!

Life in Limbo

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I like to have things planned to a T. A huge big fat CAPITAL T. When things are not planned and/or I have no control over them I get anxious, and often angry. My life seems to be in Limbo right now, for a various number of reasons, the main being the obvious one of the imminent arrival of baby KPB (don't worry, I'm not going to give it a triple barrelled surname, I wouldn't be so cruel!) and then the smaller but still important issues of where are we going to live, same place, different, next town over? Will I go back to work? more importantly when will I stop work to start maternity leave? How will we cope with Sam not having a bog standard working pattern? Will I get lonely once our house mate moves out/we move out, with Sam working late at night? How will we afford to pay for things without my Salary?

I figured the best way to tackle these things is to get my thoughts down on paper (blog-paper?) and then see how other people coped/plan to cope, and I have been speaking to my GP about how best to tackle anxiety (more on this at a later date, potentially but there is a bit more to it) and I know one of the best ways is to discuss my thoughts with people, but as I don't have a particularly deep relationship with the mothership (I think this is because I don't like to worry her) and my husband is like an excited puppy and always has a positive spin on everything (which normally is ideal, as he is the positive to my negative, but sometimes I do NEED someone to be blatant with me and point out things that might crop up in a negative/constructive aspect, and not just say "it'll be fine, wait and see") SO here goes...

Where will we live? Long story short there is a slight possibility that a friend will let us his 2 bed flat at the cost of his mortgage (plus bills, but still about 400 less than the going market rate) BUT only if the current tenants want to leave at the end of their 12 month tenancy, which is through a letting agent. (keeping them would give him more income, but if they left he'd rather have someone he knows in the flat) This flat is in Worthing (half an hour drive away) but right next to the train station for easy travel/Sam to get to and from work and also has a car parking space with it,so I could get my car back on the road. It has 2 beds/2 baths and is about 3 years old, plus we have 2 close friends who happen to live in the same road. It is also closer than where we are now to my mums house, and other friends. So we have to wait a few more weeks to see if that will work out. If it does it is too good to turn down. If it doesn't then we would more than likely stay where we are, (a 2 bed maisonette in central Brighton) but would need to cover the whole rent, as opposed to the half we pay now (our lovely housemate will be moving out) and of course we would be paying around an extra £100 a month in bills too, which was her share. All this with me earning SMP and not my salary. We contemplated moving somewhere cheaper, but actually our rent is cheap compared to other similar places, so to move somewhere noticeably cheaper we'd have to move right to the outskirts of Brighton, making it more difficult for Sam to get to and from work (currently a ten minute walk for both he and I).

conclusion: there isn't one yet!

Will I go back to work? When will I stop work? without bemoaning my company/area manager too much I will say that considering I told him I was expecting at 9 weeks pregnant (to get them off my back about a potential move to maidstone!) and at the time of writing I have 8 weeks left till me EDD and no decision has been made I'm pretty pissed off! I know who I want to cover for me, (I manage a large hotel for anyone that didn't know) as I have spent a lot of time with him over the last few years and know that he would do everything efficiently and properly and already works in the hotel so he knows all the intricacies and ins and outs, whereas if the decision is made that it will be someone external the handover period will take potentially 2 or 3 weeks, bearing in mind I have the last week of April off and ideally don't want to work till the baby actually falls out leaves not very long at all. Another gripe is that we were told he would make a decision on the 1st April, but then realised the day before good Friday that he was on holiday all that week and "do you mind covering for me Lauren" so not only an increased work load during the Easter holidays (already the busiest time of the year so far) but who forgets they are going on holiday?!!!! OH and a third gripe, my last regional manager told me I should get a say in the cover as it is 'your hotel' but he's since moved regions and my area manager seems more intent on being seen to make the right decision than actually making it! does he not realise this is stressing me out big style?! (I have told him how I feel, by the way, I'm pretty vociferous but he clearly has no back bone and doesn't want to rock the boat with the 'higher uppers' because he's new to the position!) GRRRR

As for if I will go back, I genuinely don't know. I would love not to, and have a bit of a career break, but actually my main worry is not money but boredom. I've worked solidly full time for the same company and I'm not sure how I'd cope going from high stress levels and being busy and active 5 days a week (or more!) to basically sitting on my bum watching my child grow up. I've contemplated doing a foundation degree type thing through the open university (which is pretty cheap if you are a low income family, which we would be if just Sam was working) and re training to do something that I could do to my own schedule, but I'm just not sure what. Then if we have another child later down the line, I would effectively be putting my career on hold even longer, if we waited for the (hypothetical) 2nd child to reach school age... Also I earn more money than Sam, so it would make more financial sense for me to go back and for him to leave, but I think maybe I'm ready for something different!

conclusion: who knows?

Shift patterns and family routine. Fairly often Sam works 5 nights a week. And by nights I mean 3pm - 3/4am. He often has different and separate days off in a week and, and doesn't generally know what these will be till only a few days before (thanks Sam's bosses, you make planning really easy) At first I was dreading the long evenings alone (as lovely flatmate will have moved out by then, or we will have!) from 3 till god knows when, but then when I thought about it a bit more, once baby KPB is sleeping more to a routine and is going to bed around 7pm, SO CAN I!!) I wont need to feel obliged to do married people things like cook him dinner and watch a film together, I can just have a nice relaxing bath (positive thinking!) read a bit of my book and then be asleep by 9pm with no distractions or guilt at not spending time with my husband, ready for the inevitable middle of the night feeds. Sam has even said that if it works out that the baby will need a feed within an hour of him getting home, he can do it!

Then providing he wakes up at a reasonable time (normally 10/11am after a late night shift) hopefully the baby will have had a morning nap and we can have nice family time/lunch together whilst the sprog is awake (and yay for eating a bigger meal at lunch time, more time to burn off the calories!) then I can walk into town with Sam to get out of the house on his way to work.

conclusion: this one could benefit everyone!

So, a potential positive one out of three. Brilliant, no wonder I'm stressed.

How did you cope with things that you couldn't control, either when pregnant or in other phases of life?

Pregnancy update week 30

 

I’m a week and a bit late with this update if I'm going by my every 4 weeks rule, but seeing as I set the rule I figure I can break it… Wednesday marks the start of the 31st week of being up le duff, or 30 weeks and zilch days if we go by the midwife countdown…

here’s the low down…

Sleeping/Energy Levels – My last blood tests revealed I have low iron levels, which explains the on-going tiredness, though the last trimester is more tiring than the middle one anyway which makes sense. I wanted to avoid having to take iron tablets on prescription as they play merry havoc with IBS from previous experience (both me and my mum regularly go through anaemic phases so I’ve had them in the past and they do strange things to your bowels/droppings!) instead I am eating lots of green veg and red meat.

Peeing – still piddling a lot, and managing to expel about 5x more liquid that I ingest. How is that even possible? I have also (TMI coming up…) had to start wearing party-liners daily as a couple of severe sneezes/coughing fits have resulted in slight leakage (I was mortified but apparently it happens to almost everyone and if they say it didn't they're lying!)

Acid reflux/heartburn – on and off, sometimes I will have eaten nothing for hours, and wake up with it really badly and need to find some rennies STAT in an attempt to clear it up!

Back/Hip Pain – In all honesty I would have to say that the pain hasn't got worse, although it may just be that I am learning to live with it! My fancy new ergonomic high backed desk chair at work has helped, plus the fact that I have attempting to walk for at least half an hour a day.

Stretch Marks/Skin- still no stretch marks, still lathering on various creams and potions when I remember, and no linea nigra yet either. Belly button has NOT stuck out at any point… though maybe this is because it’s dead from having two different piercings (I took them out when I got pregnant) and a scar from my appendectomy in it. But I'm pleased because it freaks me out when they poke out. Facially my hormonal spots have pretty much cleared up too!

Headaches – hardly any since the last update, I've only had to take tablets for it once.

Cramps – more ‘restless leg syndrome’ than ever, coupled with 3 bouts this week of excruciating pain in my left calve. Picture this, you’re happily asleep, then suddenly your calve muscle tenses up in a MAJOR way and you wake up wanting to scream but you can’t because your husband only got into bed and fell asleep after a 16 hour shift an hour ago and it would be mean. You then lie there for 15 minutes trying to clench and un clench your toes in a vain attempt for the muscle to contract and go back to normal. THEN you have trouble putting all your weight on your leg when you need to go to the toilet and promptly fall over when you get out of bed, and wake the husband up. OH, and I've also had some very bizarre crotch-area cramps this week, like shooting pains in the vag, not pleasant!

Movement – almost had a dangerous spillage when sprog did a major kick/flip knocking a bottle of nail varnish off the bump, but luckily the lid was still semi screwed on, phew! Sprog loves to wiggle about in the bath too.

Size – I have put on just under 2 stone, and the midwife says this is absolutely nothing to worry about, as the ‘average’ (ie if you were of a normal BMI when you got pregnant) person should put on around 2.5 stone overall. I think my legs are a bit chunkier, but people have said that facially I don’t look any bigger, which is a bonus, to be honest I'm not watching what I eat at all, so I'm surprised I am not looking like a beached whale.

Hair/Skin – hair is growing at rapunzel type speed, which is good. It also seems a lot shinier than normal, which is awesome. In other hair related news, I have purchased a ladyshave type device as I can no longer see my hoo-hoo, and shaving with a regular razor in the shower was getting dangerous. I figure this will be easier to use when I attempt to ‘neaten’ certain bits in preparation for the hospital (and then a lot quicker and less dangerous when I am attempting to shower between naps post birth!)

Cravings – nothing! dull eh. I am eating a lot of sweet things though.

Swelling – nothing yet, shoes still fit, ankles still look like they did before, wedding ring still fit too.

Mood – No major mood  swings (lucky for Sam eh!) but a number of various anxieties that I am not going to share here, perhaps at a later date but for now I'm seeing my MW with more regularity than normal, and saw my GP this week about it too.

No other symptoms that I can think of, and with ten and a half weeks to go till D-day I’m hoping that nothing gets too bad! We’ve got a week away planned at the end of April with friends in Cornwall, and as long as I can drive there and back okay I don’t really mind if I'm too round to do anything as we’ve hired a gorgeous barn conversion and I'll happily spend the week reading/dozing/chatting with friends. I still haven't made a decision on when to stop working, mainly because I don’t know who is covering for me when I'm on mat leave, (if it was up to me I would’ve made the decision weeks ago, but alas it is not within my control and is causing me grief, as handing over a hotel isn't a quick task, and if it’s not the person I want it to be its a 2 week job, minimum!) 

  

Now everyone tells me I look ‘big’ for my dates, however the midwife measured the bump and it is NORMAL I tell you!!! Snap on the right taken Wednesday before last, at the start of the 29th week (Or 28+0) and I am noticeably bigger already, which is the idea I guess! My coat doesn't fit anymore, so it better get warmer soon! I think people just think I'm big because I'm a midget…

Wednesday weaning- week 1

I've started to wean D. It's a bit weird, really, as he is still pretty young (we started at 17 weeks, which is the younger end of the scale.) The thing is, he's huge. When he was last weighed, at 15 weeks, he weighed 16lbs 3. The health visitor jovially remarked that the average one-year-old weighs around 20lbs. D is on the 91st percentile for weight and the 95th for length. He's big. He's also hungry.

At first, we just upped his milk to the recommended levels, figuring it was a growth spurt. But his high chair brought him into a whole new world of staring at food. He would stare at our meals. He would watch strangers in cafes eat their soup. He would even look at the cat as she was eating. This was a boy who was interested in food.

Oh hi. I'd really like to eat your food right now. Kthnxbai.

I started researching. The thing is, although you can feed from 17 weeks if it's recommended by a health professional- and in our case, it is- all the advice is geared up for babies from six months old. So it's a bit of a minefield, really. Thankfully, I have a health visitor who doesn't seem to mind if I ring her to ask what I'm sure are daft questions.

Anyway, I decided to start D last Wednesday. We'd been told that baby rice was a bit depressing on its own, so to consider adding something to it to make it more palatable. In Boots the other day, they were randomly giving out sachets of Plum purees. So D's first meal was a rather grim looking mixture:

You're jealous, right? It's a mix of baby rice (about a teaspoon), a squirt of sweet potato and squash puree (YUM) and some of his formula. And as gross as it seemed- he loved it. He gobbled it up and, at one point when I wasn't apparently feeding him quickly enough, used his limited motor skills to grab the spoon and shove it in his mouth. He's four months old. I'd say this is a kid who's going to enjoy food.

The health visitor has said because of his size, we're probably going to want to give him regular meals pretty quickly. I've tried with porridge, but on its own, it's a bit of a no-no. I don't blame D, it looks like glue. So I'm going to try a bit of puree to entice him. 

So, for now, I guess we're going to experiment with mixtures. I'm being encouraged to give him what we're eating (as long as it doesn't have salt/sugar in it.) 

Any tips/advice on weaning? I'll be posting an update next week- maybe someone else who is weaning early will find it useful!

Bedtime...

Image: Disney Clips

A couple of weeks ago, my health visitor made her final visit to us; D had dropped a little in weight the month before and, although he still resembled a French rugby player in (relative) size and stature, she wanted to check on him. I also think she wanted to keep an eye on me, as I'd had some really tough days where I'd felt like I was struggling.

Anyway, over a cup of tea, we were talking about D's bedtime. I said that we'd not started to putting him to bed at a regular time, but were finding that he fell asleep earlier and earlier and wouldn't nap during the day. She told me that, really, we should have started earlier on a sleep routine. She talked about how it might be harder now to get him to go to sleep and, if we started a new sleep routine, it was maybe better to warn the neighbours in advance. (These are the neighbours who had to put up with hours of nightly screaming when D was tiny and colic-infested. I figured they wouldn't know the difference...)

I had visions of screaming, of D's dad and I clinging to each other, weeping with exhaustion. We'd been warned it would be hard. We braced ourselves.

And, to be honest, it was the complete opposite of what we were expecting. Yes, we had to go upstairs a couple of times on the first night and soothe D to sleep. We went up once the next night. But then, after that, D found his own rhythm. He's going to sleep earlier and earlier and 7pm seems to be the optimal time. We're not doing anything, other than giving him his last bottle, playing Ewan and providing a dummy if he wants it. He's started cuddling a stripy monkey for comfort, which is very cute, even if it sometimes looks like he's snogging it a bit.

He did have a cold for a few nights which has disrupted it slightly, but then I've had the same cold, so I figure we can be martyrs together. He generally wakes up at 3am and coos until either his D or I give in at pretending we're asleep and make a bottle. We've recently started him on solids, which may mean he forgoes this bottle as well. Which would be utterly excellent.

Naptimes are still hit and miss. He will generally sleep an hour and a half after getting up (and watching Pingu during tummy time!), but I've yet to get him into a stricter routine with afternoons. Any advice on this is welcome!

So, what have I learnt? To not count my chickens- I know he could go back to being a sleep-refuser (seriously, this baby will FIGHT sleep if he thinks he'll miss something!) To be grateful for the time I get with D's dad in an evening- it's nice to relax a bit. It's also really, really nice not to dread a 9pm screaming fit. I'm taking advantage of the peace before he becomes more mobile!

Bloody buggy blues...

Buying the buggy for your baby is a rite of passage, right? I was SO excited when we bought the pram/buggy/stroller thing in August; I'd played with all the models in Babies R Us and decided which was best. We hadn't needed a travel system, because we don't have a car. I read the reviews online- they were pretty negative, but I figured that only grumpy people bothered to review stuff (I know I usually review stuff on websites when I've had a bad experience.)

Alas. The buggy turned out to be a nightmare. It was heavy on the big hill on which we live. It had to be broken into two parts for storage. And then the big meltdown occurred last week. D had been screaming all day, I was at my wits' end. I'd rung my husband and my aunt in tears. The latter was on her way to visit me. I decided that the best thing to do was to take D for a walk. We have a good park on our doorstep.

I got the pram ready and wrestled my screaming baby into it. My neighbour from across the street smiled at me sympathetically. I was on the verge of tears and had been for about an hour. And then it happened. The sodding break wouldn't un-break. It was enough to make me turn into a sobbing puddle. Cue my next door neighbour coming outside, offering to take D and informing me that her kettle was on, I could come inside and wait for my aunt. I abandoned the buggy outside for a while.

The next day, my in-laws visited and fixed the break for me. I was utterly relieved- if the buggy wasn't working, I would be very isolated; earlier that day, I'd taken D into town on the bus, in the sling. My back was on the verge of collapse by the time I got home. We couldn't take it back, as we've lost the receipt, which is fantastic. I was very, very happy.

Until Sunday. My sister, mother-in-law and I walked to watch my husband do the local half marathon. It was a nice day, a long walk was fine. All was well until we wanted to move on- and the sodding break refused to un-break again. I'm proud to say I didn't swear at this point. Luckily, my father-in-law was able to fix it again and everything was fine-ish. I was muttering about buying a new buggy, but wasn't serious at that point.

My patience held out until we tried to walk to get the bus- and a wheel fell off. Well. Again, I'm proud to say that again I didn't swear. Instead, I asked my sister if she would mind not travelling back up to Yorkshire until we had a) deposited the baby back at home with some responsible family adult and b) taken me to purchase a new buggy. She agreed, possibly frightened by the cold, hard gleam in my eyes and the calm, monotonous tone to my voice. I was holding it together, clearly.

Anyway, in the end, we bought the following stroller:

It's a Mothercare Mino Plus stroller and I'm a little bit in love with it. We were able to afford it as my grandma had given us a gift card that still had some money on it and my mother-in-law stumped up the rest (although it wasn't extortionate- £94.99). I love it because it's lightweight and has a little pocket at the back where I can put my purse and a bag of crisps. And although I was initially reluctant to put D forward facing, he's such a nosy little blighter that he loves it. Bonus- it weighs less than he does and it's super easy to fold. Although we have a house, it's small, so an origami-like buggy will always win. It is suitable from birth, although I would have been reluctant to put D in it as a tiny baby, this gave me confidence that he would be safe in it. The one downside to the buggy is that it doesn't have a foot muff, but I've just been wrapping a blanket round D's legs, which seems to be OK.

And if you're interested, the demon buggy was this one.

Three months in.. what I've learnt

So, D is three months old. This feels odd because in some ways, it feels like time has flown by really quickly. On the other hand, sometimes (mainly after a lack of sleep), the days have felt like long, slow water torture. Babies are hard, dude.

It's been a steep learning curve and one that I imagine only has more delights in store (teething, potty training, crawling...) but it's had amazing moments too. I have learnt that:

- Babies are master manipulators. They can go from smiley, happy little people to grumpy, screaming hellcats in five seconds flat. My emotions can be all over the place some days (and that's without all the hormones that still seem to be raging through my body.) But you know, he can have a day where he's a complete grump and still I will forgive it all when he grins at himself in the mirror. Tiny evil genius.

- Ignore people who tell you that their baby slept through at six weeks old. THESE BABY ARE AS RARE AS HEN'S TEETH. Just be grateful if you get a sort of routine going (by six weeks, D had started to go to sleep at 11 and wake at 2 and 6am for feeds. Now he sleeps from 11-5.)

- Don't be surprised if the baby lulls you into a false sense of security with said sleep routine and then completely changes his mind.

- Growth spurts are the most confusing time for very new parents. They are also hellish, what with constant feeding and grizzling. I now recognise a growth spurt at ten paces, as I have a GIGANTIC baby.

- There are things that, if anyone else's child did it, you would retch in horror. But when your child does it, you laugh it off. I'm not going into detail, but ick.

- Apparently babies don't get into a proper daytime nap routine til about four months at the earliest. This is disappointing and means that loo breaks/cups of tea are constantly on the hoof.

- It's OK to admit you're struggling. I've had to do this a few times and it's better than bottling it up. And if someone offers to help/take the baby so you can have a shower, take it.

- You appreciate things like having baths where you can read for a bit. It's important to have time to yourself if you can manage it.

There are loads more, but these are the main ones, I think. Oh and the best bit of advice I was given, pre-baby: "It's OK to want to throw the baby out of the window, as long as you don't actually throw the baby out of the window.." Everyone has moments where they're overwhelmed!

What happened at baby's first immunisation (or: I am a wuss!)

Last Friday, I took D for his first round of immunisations. I hated every second of it.

Now, don't get me wrong; I am virulently (pardon the pun) pro-immunisation. I know there are side effects- but the benefits outweigh the risks in my opinion. I've done my research and I'm happy for D to have the full whack of immunisations.

So, anyway, I took D to the doctors and made sure I took a friend for moral support. I bought Calpol and a thermometer. I was prepared. But I was also nervous. After he was born, we stayed in hospital for five days due to an infection. This meant, every twelve hours, he was taken away to another room for antibotics and blood tests. I hated seeing my tiny (well, not tiny- he was a bruiser, even as a newborn!) baby in pain, even for a second, even though I knew full well that this was necessary. It got to the point where I would take him and wait just outside the door until they were finished and take him back again, giving him a furious cuddle while I did so.

Unfortunately, D's dad was at work when the jab appointment came up (so I coudn't pass the buck to him. Rubbish.), so I gritted my teeth and went in with him. I knew that the problem was all in my head, that it was a bit selfish to worry about how I felt and that he wouldn't remember what was going on. The nurse fussed over him and I looked away as she injected him. We chatted about what the jabs were for and my nervousness- it's very common, she reassured me. It was all over in a couple of minutes- D had cried briefly and had two small plasters to show for it. As we left the room, the baby fell asleep and it was as if nothing had happened! I'd got so nervous about something he couldn't give a monkey's about! I did feel a bit daft, to be honest. I mean, I am a grown up after all!

A few hours later, D got very cross and hot, so after fiddling with  the Calpol and trying to work out how to get the syringe into the bottle/stripping him down to his vest, we finally helped him feel well again. (Tip: to use the Calpol syringe, you put the sit over the top of the bottle, which you then tip up. As you do this, pull the plunger of the syringe and voilà, strawberry flavoured goodness is ready to be dispensed. You're welcome.)

We took D to bed early and called an early night for ourselves as well, anticipating lots if broken sleep. Instead, after a bit of grizzling, he slept for seven hours straight, had a quick bottle at 6am and then slept til 9. Brilliant!

I'm still getting his dad to take him next time, though.

Why it shouldn't matter to others how you feed your baby

I spent all of my pregnancy fending off questions about how I was planning to feed my baby. My answer was always the same: "I'd like to breastfeed, if I can." I'd been producing milk since 16 weeks and I dutifully bought nursing bras and pumps. I also asked my mother-in-law if she would buy us a sterilising unit, just in case. I read Zoe Williams' columns on parenting and breastfeeding. I would be OK, whatever the outcome, I thought.

Cue D being born; a 45 hour labour where my waters had broken 26 hours before my actual contractions started. This meant that my baby ended up with an infection AND jaundice. There I was, a first-time mum with an ill baby.. who couldn't seem to feed her son. Add to this I was being watched like a hawk by the nurses as I was a major postnatal depression risk and you had a very stressed out mother.

I tried to feed D. I used a syringe to collect what I could. I tried to latch him on and he just didn't have the werewithal to do so. We were helped by nurses and lactation consultants (most were very kind, a couple were.. brusque.) Still, nothing. I cried, and at night, behind their curtains, I heard the other two mums in my room crying too, frustrated at 2am in the morning with screaming, hungry newborns. Both of those mums went on to breastfeed successfully.

I, on the other hand, continued to struggle. I was producing about 0.8ml of colostrum, which I was giving to D when I had it. I was keeping obsessive lists of how much and when D was having so that I could show the nurses and the doctors. And then, in the early hours of his second day, a nurse finally persuaded me to let them give him a formula 'top-up'. He took 45ml of formula and was instantly soothed. I cried, because I hadn't been able to give him that. Still, I persisted. I tried expressing. My lists continued.

In the end, I became exhausted and agitated. I spoke to the nursery nurses. I spoke to my husband. I saw later on in my notes that the nurses had written everything I had said- and I had sounded utterly desperate. I had a sick baby who needed to eat. In the end, I decided that I would put him on formula, until I was able to express milk. He guzzled the milk down. I was torn; happy that he was eating and that the fluids would help him recover, but gutted that I hadn't been able to help him. My lists became more detailed, showing how much expressed milk (usually less than 5ml a time- I admit that, in the end, I just couldn't face it anymore and gave up) and how much formula he had in a feed.

After three days of being on formula, we were allowed home (we had been in hospital for five days.) D was finally well enough and the nurses had been brilliant once the decision had been made to put him onto bottles. It took me weeks to reconcile myself to this fact, though.

Now that D is ten weeks old, I can see the benefits. He is a very big, healthy and happy baby, apart from the  odd bout of colic. His dad and I split the feeds. When I've needed to go to the doctors (which has been a lot!), I've been able to leave D with his dad or my aunt and know he's OK. Do I wish that I could breastfeed? Yes- even knowing all the rubbish side effects that can happen. But I'm just glad that I have a baby who is content. I know that, ultimately, I made the right decision and that I don't need to justify it. But by writing about it, maybe someone else in the same boat as I was can see that it's OK to seek alternatives if it's not working. Babies want happy mums.

This is why I think it's rubbish that the media pits breastfeeding and formula feeding mothers against each other. We shouldn't be at war with each other because of our choices- we all do the best we can in the circumstances and we never really know what someone has gone through to get to their decision. I've seen a lot of 'formula' bashing on newspaper comment sections, Twitter and forums. For my sanity and blood-pressure, I try and avoid those. I'm not going to go into the whole 'breastfeeding is better because...' debate. Of course it's better, if you can, to breastfeed. But it's not always possible. I was bottlefed and I've been fine. I have no reason to doubt that my son will be, too.

This is D, by the way- who looks a lot better than he did in those first few days in hospital: